*Trigger warning* I will discuss my bouts of deep depression, anxiety, suicidal feelings and everything that comes with that. If you feel like that is something you cannot read right now, please do not continue reading. I urge you to take some time to take a break and talk to someone who will listen. Your mental health is a priority!
*DISCLAIMER*: Throughout this recount I am going to discuss the positives and negatives of my personal Teaching experience. I have not named any schools or people. I have tried my best to sprinkle in positive experiences, but it’s the negative ones that I naturally have the biggest memory of. Here’s my journey…
Let me introduce myself- my names Sam (its’ Samreen but I was bullied by that name as a child as it rhymes with many things- trampoline, tangerine, gasoline etc so only my mom is allowed to call me that, mostly when I’m in trouble). I am an ex-Teacher who had been in the game for 8 years (including TA stints and Private Nursery shindigs). I’ll be honest, I didn’t think I wanted to be a Teacher. To be honest, I wanted to be part time hairdresser and full time Pharmacist because every, or should I say most Asians, want their darling little treasures to go into some medical field and I knew it would be highly frowned upon if I just pursued measly hairdressing (it’s not, its’ such a creative job). However, I randomly decided to do some volunteering in a school where I realised, this Teaching lark seems alright, let’s go for it. And thus, the rocky road to becoming a Teacher began.
The following years consisted of completing my CACHE Level 3 in Childcare at College, working as a TA in my gap year, then going to University to do an undergrad in English and Education Studies and I followed that up with a PGCE with an Early Years Specialism. I think my first RED flag about going into Teaching should have been when I was studying for my undergraduate. I much preferred English, as Education droned on about politics, reforms, and inequality. Literally we would argue in essays opposing opinions that inevitably we had to accept when we entered the classroom… it was a catch 22 and I never noticed it until it was far too late. I finished my PGCE and quite frankly hated every second of it. However, I was too stubborn to admit it and had too much pride to ask for help. My placements really did not help, I’m thankful for the opportunity and appreciate how such adjustments are made but they were incredibly off putting.
My first placement was in a Nursery setting, seemed okay, Teacher was nice-ish enough, but the school was outstanding and the expectations where through the roof. Its’ impossible to even blag it when the stakes are so high, and I thought I’d mastered the art of blagging/waffling at Uni level. Alas this was not the case. This placement had its’ set of RED flags e.g., a child who was clearly Autistic was given no support (I’m aware of tight budgets but even the classroom TA didn’t care). He seemed shunned by all the staff who said very unprofessional things about the poor boy, most of the time whilst he was stood right next to them. Also, the school had a tendancy to refer to any teaching students as “THE student” which was condescending to the point, I’d be sat next to them, and they would refer to me as “THE student”. I am aware that I was a sTuDEnt, but they knew my name, which is what made the situation bizarre to say the least. Last but certainly not least, they would bitch about me and roll their eyes after talking to me, like I don’t have functioning senses. It was bullying but I chose to plough through as I had so much at stake (literally thousands of pounds worth of university fees to pay back if I had quit that year). To make it worse I had to return to this placement, but what made it bearable was another student joined me and it was nice to have somewhat of a person to lean on and mostly moan to on a particularly challenging day.
My second placement was in a Year 1 class in an incredibly rough part of town. However, my Teacher was very nice and I got experience in both Year 1 and 2. I didn’t mind the level of workload as the people were kind and helpful, or so I thought. The tragic passing of my mentor teachers’ family member essentially put me in charge as THE class teacher by week 3!! WEEK BLOODY 3!!! I was swamped with stress and my mid-point review went terribly. The teachers would imply things about my mentor Teacher and over involved me in conversations that I had no place to say anything, but in essence I was manipulated and gaslighted into feeling like the place was safe for me to talk freely. It was not, let me tell you. Oh, and the children in my class had the worst behaviour, for example, I’d ask a child to complete their work (nicely of course) and they would usually walk over and punch me in the leg, so that was an added stress. SLT didn’t do anything either. My Teacher/mentor came back and I told her what happened. She helped me get through the last stages of my placement and I never looked back at that school again. It’s quite literally trapped in a locked box at the back of my very conscious, so it feels traumatising retracing my steps, but projecting my thoughts helps to lighten the load.
So, as you can tell, I hated my placements and decided after my PGCE I’m not going to go into Teaching. I carried on working part time in my local Sainsbury’s but upped my hours and picked up as many shifts as humanly possible. However, in the end no matter how many hours I did, I was making peanuts and I felt like a failure who spent years getting a degree all to throw it away. Months later I caved and applied at a local school for a maternity position cover. As soon as I started, I had this nagging feeling that something isn’t quite right, but I ignored my sixth sense and decided that its’ just me being a loser and I am not fighting hard enough for what I SHOULD become.
After caving, 5 years later I was burnt out, a shell of a person with my mental health at an all-time low. I started Teaching, a happy, some-what nice and caring person, but I left feeling like a mean spirited nobody, who hated her life. My first RED flag should have been, the maternity cover Teacher whose job I was covering, literally pre-warning me about the terrible attitudes of management and the ridiculous expectations. I brushed this off as best as I could, as I had previously been gaslighted into being honest and then thrown under the bus. Also, this was my first NQT post, so I had everything to lose, literally.
Please go to the 'Life During' page to find out what life was like as a real Teacher....